Becky Hayden and her husband, Seth, have spent 21 years of marriage being fully active members of their community in California.
The Haydens have run a local scholarship program, they have kept a closetful of prom dresses to loan out to students in need, they are mentors in their community — and they have never had kids of their own.
“A lot of people make the assumption because we don’t have kids, we’re not fulfilled,” Becky Hayden said. “And it’s not right.”
The proportion of adults in the United States younger than 50 years old who do not have children is growing — leaping from 37% in 2018 to 47% in 2023, according to a new Pew Research Center survey published Thursday.
The new Pew study comes as comments resurfaced from Ohio Sen. JD Vance, the Republican candidate for vice president, who told former Fox News host Tucker Carlson in 2021 that the country was being run by “a bunch of childless cat ladies who are miserable at their own lives and the choices that they’ve made and so they want to make the rest of the country miserable, too.”
But with more people not having children, Pew researchers wanted to investigate whether the unhappy childless adult characterization is actually true.
“We wanted to learn more about the reasons adults don’t have children, their experiences, how it impacts their relationships,” said Rachel Minkin, a report coauthor and Pew research associate.
The latest poll surveyed more than 3,300 adults who do not have children and say they are not likely to have them. While researchers did find that those surveyed reported some difficulties and pressure, they also found that people without children also reported ways in which their experiences were full and connected.
“We see majorities … saying having a fulfilling life doesn’t have much to do with whether someone does or doesn’t have children,” Minkin said.
The Reasons People Aren’t Having Kids
There were many reasons why people said they didn’t have kids, including financial concerns, infertility, or that it just didn’t happen, according to the research.
For people younger than 50, the top reason reported for not having children was that they don’t want to.
“It is completely normal and valid to not want to have children,” said licensed psychologist Dr. Linda Baggett, owner of Well Woman Psychology in Manhattan Beach, California, in an email. “I think current generations are feeling more empowered to be open about and act on this preference, whereas in past generations people may have been more likely to have children anyway due to societal expectations, economic/labor factors, and religious beliefs.
“It is a myth that everyone, especially women, want to have children,” said Baggett, who was not involved in the research.
In her practice, psychotherapist Carissa Strohecker Hannum sees a lot of people saying that they feel hesitant to bring children into the world when they are so concerned about the state of it. Other clients have had such bad experiences with their relationships with their own parents that they are worried about repeating the pattern. Hannum, clinical director at Monarch Wellness in the Washington, DC, area, was not involved in the research.
People tell her, “Before I consider raising a child in this world, I really want to work on my mental health. And I really want to make sure that I’d be bringing a child into a different sort of emotional environment.”
Societal Pressure to Have Kids
When Hayden meets someone new or runs into someone she hasn’t seen since high school, the question often comes up: How old are your kids?
And when she answers that she doesn’t have any, Hayden said she often sees an expression flash across their face that communicates that she is less than or incomplete.
Many of the cons people reported in the Pew survey related to not having children come from the outside.
For those older than 50 who responded and are employed, 33% said they are expected to take on extra work because they don’t have children and 32% say they are left out of conversation of coworkers who have kids, the data showed.
Women were especially likely to say that they felt pressure from society to have children, Minkin said.
“I hear this a lot, and it is unfortunate,” Baggett said.
She recommends setting a kind but firm boundary with loved ones about how they talk about the decision not to have kids and remind them that it isn’t up for discussion.
“It’s OK to validate that the other person may be disappointed, but that doesn’t mean your feelings and decisions are up for debate,” she added.
Living a Full Life
For people who choose not to have children, there is a lot of potential for happiness and fulfillment.
“Embrace and own this decision,” Baggett said. “You have to do what’s best for you and honestly, it serves no one, especially the child, to bring an unwanted child into the world.”
People who responded to the Pew survey said that not having children gave them more resources to advance in their career and pursue their hobbies and passions.
Hayden said she has found her passion using the resources she and her husband have built to support their community members who might not have the things they need — whether that be educational support, properly fitting shoes or a present to bring to a friends’ birthday party.
“I’m just so lucky that I have found a passion,” she said. “At the end of the day, I don’t feel like your life has to be your children.”
CNN