If you belong to a marginalized or underrepresented group, there’s a good chance you’ve been asked to comment on sensitive issues that affect you personally. For people of color, this might take the form of White friends asking you, “When did things get so bad?”
You’re probably the only Black person these well-meaning people feel they can ask these questions of.
As tough conversations about social issues become increasingly common, it’s important that those asked to engage know how they can navigate these moments in a way that feels safe and comfortable.
Know Your Limits
Engaging in tough conversations as a marginalized or underrepresented person takes patience and emotional labor. If you don’t feel capable of giving that, it’s always fine to say no or decline to engage.
“As a Black person, it’s a relief to see so many people finally realizing the extent of the problem,” says Jackie Ferguson, The Diversity Movement’s director of content and programming, “but, it gets to be exhausting when every White person you know is saying, ‘How are you doing? Do you want to talk about it?’”
If you’re feeling cynical, tired, or otherwise unwilling to engage in tough conversations, that’s okay. Understand when you feel comfortable and engaged to have these conversations and communicate when you don’t.
“But recognize that we all have to do this work to make sustainable and meaningful change,” says Ferguson. “We also have to be allies to those getting on this journey. When you change one perspective, how far does that reach? Children, colleagues, and communities can be affected positively when you plant seeds in one heart.”
Make Sure You’re Ready to Engage
While some people prefer not to engage in these conversations, others are passionate about educating others. The Diversity Movement’s director of consulting, Dr. Florence Holland, offers one perspective: yes, engage, but do so with ground rules. Holland has set two firm ground rules for navigating them in a healthy, productive way:
1. Suspend Your Right to be Offended
“For the purpose of growth and knowledge, we have to enter these conversations with a suspension of offense,” she says. “If we go in looking to find something wrong with everything the other person says, the conversation isn’t going to go anywhere.”
Holland says she recognizes how hard this can be and how many people aren’t in a place — mentally and emotionally — to suspend their right to be offended. “If you’re not in that place, then maybe you’re not the right person to have that conversation with,” she says. “And that’s fine. If you can refer them to someone else or to a helpful resource, that’s great.”
“During these conversations, I use a lot of expressions like, ‘What I hear you saying is…’ or, ‘I understand that’s your intent, but think about it this way.’”
2. Remember That Everything is not a Marchable Offense
“It’s about picking your battles,” says Holland. “In such a tense political climate, a lot of us are ready to go on the defensive at every careless remark. But you have to give people some grace to let themselves grow.”
“We have to be patient as we’re educating people on diversity and inclusion,” she says. “They’re not always going to get it right the first, second, or third time. But if the other party is ready to march at every offense, then it’s going to shut down the conversation.”
The workplace isn’t like social media; you can’t just unfollow or block someone after a heated disagreement. “At the end of the day, I’ve still got to work with you tomorrow,” Holland says. “That’s why it’s important to approach these conversations with empathy and understanding.”
Being reminded of the issues that affect your community is never easy, but tough conversations can be a great learning opportunity for everyone involved.
To learn more about the other side of this dialogue, check out our article “Tough Conversations: Asking the Right Questions.”